One Man's Chronicles

July 20, 2007

EGYPT’S FATWA FOR ‘RE-HYMENIZATION’

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 6:09 am

Endorsing an operation to help Muslim women feign sexual innocence

Faking one’s virginity hardly seems like something a religious leader would condone. But late last month, Egypt’s grand mufti (the country’s official Islamic spokesman) endorsed what’s been dubbed the “re-hymenization fatwa” — an edict that effectively allows Muslim women to feign sexual innocence through surgery that restores the hymen. Appearing on national television, the mufti counselled women who opt for the procedure to be discreet. “If God wants us to know everything about each other, he would have given us the ability to read each other’s minds,” he said. Other supporters of the fatwa have made some highly enlightened statements; one scholar at Cairo’s esteemed Al Azhar University told an Egyptian newspaper: “Any man who is concerned about his prospective wife’s hymen should first provide a proof that he himself is a virgin.”

But is this seemingly feminist fatwa as progressive as it appears? The edict could be seen as silently sanctioning a system that denies women any measure of sexual self-determination. In some communities, women are forced to undergo “virginity testing” (in which a doctor checks the status of the hymen), and face a range of “honour crimes,” the most extreme of which is murder, for bringing shame to their families by having premarital sex. What’s more, the penal codes of many Muslim countries offer leniency to men who commit honour crimes against female family members. In the Palestinian territories, prosecutors will order posthumous virginity testing on women believed to be victims of honour killings; if a forensic doctor concludes that a victim was non-virginal, her killer could be eligible for a reduced sentence.

Muslim women’s advocates like Nuzhat Jafri, who sits on the national board of the Canadian Council of Muslim Women, emphasize that Islam does not, in fact, require a bloodied sheet as proof of a woman’s virginity; such rituals (which have also been practised by Jews in the Middle East and Europe) are cultural rather than religious. If anything, such customs have been rejected by Islamic scholars. “Lawyers through the centuries always resisted very strongly the idea that an intact hymen equals virginity,” explains Lynda Clarke, an Islamicist in Concordia’s religion department. Part of the rationale for this position is practical, a recognition of the fact that a ruptured hymen can result from many things. “However, I strongly suspect that the primary motivation of the jurists was to prevent sexual accusations against females along with the violence that involves,” says Clarke.

Still, even if the ancient jurists and modern-day mufti have tried to protect women in a roundabout way, it may just be the most realistic one. Social workers in the Palestinian territories find themselves in this bind when women come to their offices asking to be referred to a doctor for hymenoplasty. “They feel very strongly that this is a problematic process perpetuating a view that women’s sexuality should be controlled,” explains Farida Deif, a researcher at Human Rights Watch. “But they really don’t want to turn that woman away when she feels it’s the only way to protect herself. Some of them do provide referrals, because they feel that women shouldn’t be victims of violence, and victims shouldn’t be agents of social change.”

July 9, 2007

The Secret to Scruffy Sex Appeal

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — admin @ 1:44 am

I don’t want to let out the secret, but it’s just hair I Scotch taped on to make myself look older. No. Actually, I haven’t been clean-shaven in well over a year now. When I am, I look like I’m 11 years old. If I shaved and put black wire-rimmed glasses on, I’d look like Harry Potter. So, I’m sort of a fan of that rugged, scruffy look. I know I look like I don’t care, but I really do. I use regular hair trimmers that I think I got at Wal-Mart. The only downside is doing a kissing scene. Marika Dominczyk, who played my girlfriend on Brothers & Sisters, looked like she was getting beaten in the face after a while. She got so red. That’s the only downfall of having the scruff. In most of my encounters in real life, girls enjoy it. may shave for summer, but then people will be like, “Who the hell is that?” I’m pretty excited to shave eventually because I’ve sort of forgotten what my jaw looks like.

July 8, 2007

Only in merry olde England

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , — admin @ 10:42 am

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: “When the young lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling”. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William Stick Did the Trick”. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident”.”

He won the case.

July 5, 2007

Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , , — admin @ 11:24 am

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, ARE NOT:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counsellor, let’s do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6 Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn’t
1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, ARE NOT:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it’s out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn’t
1. It’s not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, ARE NOT:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip!
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn’t
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

June 18, 2007

New Tricks

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — admin @ 8:03 am

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” Grandpa Gus said, staring at the keyboard of the new computer my mom had given him and Grandma for Christmas.
“You’re not an old dog, Grandpa,” I said. “And this isn’t a trick. Besides, computers are simple once you know what you’re doing.”
“Simple?” Grandpa Gus said. “That must be why they give you an instruction manual the size of the phone book!”
“You don’t have to know all that stuff to run a computer,” I said. “Most of it is just for reference. So if you don’t know how to do something, you can look it up.”
“Well, I took a look at your manual and it might as well be written in Greek!” Grandpa Gus huffed.
“Then it should be easy for you, Grandpa,” I said. “Since you can read Greek, and write it too! Your dad came from Athens. Remember?”
Grandpa Gus folded his arms in front of him. “And I should have stayed there and become a simple shepherd just like him, planted olive trees, and sat in the Mediterranean sun.”
“Grandpa!” I laughed. “Your father was a train engineer, not a shepherd. And you were born right here in Ohio!”
Grandma stuck her head in from the kitchen where she was making lunch. “He’s allergic to wool too. Some shepherd he’d make.”
Grandpa Gus made a face, but Grandma ignored him. “And the only thing he ever planted was himself in front of the TV.”
Grandpa Gus laughed. “So I don’t have a green thumb. Is that a sin?”
“No,” Grandma said, giving him a stern look. “Complaining to your granddaughter when she’s only trying to help, is.”
“Okay, okay,” Grandpa Gus relented. He pointed to the computer’s darkened monitor. “So how do you know so much about this stuff, smarty pants?”
I laughed. “We learned all about computers in school, Grandpa Gus,” I said. “We even have a couple of computers in our classroom.”
“So maybe I should go back to the fifth grade,” he said, “instead of sitting here.”
“Maybe you should just listen to your granddaughter,” Grandma called from the kitchen.
“It’s not hard, Grandpa,” I said.
“It’s not hard,” Grandpa Gus said. “My thick old head is!”
“No, it’s not!” I said. “You’re the smartest man I know.”
“Maybe you just don’t know enough people.”
“No!” I said. “Who taught me how to ride a bike? Hmm? Who taught me how to fish, how to build a treehouse, and how to dance The Twist?”
Grandpa Gus smiled. “Some guy with two left feet.”
“And who taught me how to fly a kite?”
“Kites are different,” Grandpa Gus said. “You don’t have to re-boot a kite.”
“No,” I said. “You don’t. But you taught me all those things, Grandpa Gus. And every one of them was hard when I first started.”
“They weren’t hard,” Grandpa Gus said. “They were just new.”
“That’s right,” I said. “They were just like new, like your computer.”
Grandpa Gus looked at the blank computer screen for a moment, then lifted his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. You win.”
I switched on the computer. “When the screen was lit,” I said, “Just click on START”
Grandpa Gus smiled again. “Maybe after this, smarty pants, you could teach your grandmother how to program the VCR!”

By J. T. Waite

June 15, 2007

The Mule

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , — admin @ 4:45 am

An old farmer had a horrible mother-in-law who nagged him mercilessly. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his mother-in-law brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice she looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

May 16, 2007

A Lesson in Fishing

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , — admin @ 12:33 pm

“Today I’ll teach you how to fish, Lola,” Robbie said to his big, black dog. “First, put a worm on the hook.” The worm wriggled in the can. Lola snapped one up with her mouth.

“No,” said Robbie. “Don’t eat the worm. Put it on the hook.” He dangled the hook in the water. “Now we’ll wait.”

Lola watched the worm wriggling in the water. She rushed in and opened her mouth wide to snap it up.

“No!” cried Robbie. “Remember, you don’t eat the worm. The fish does.”

Just then a fish swam into Lola’s mouth. She tossed it up on the bank.

Robbie laughed. “First you ate a worm,” he said. “Then you caught a fish. I guess you already know how to fish!”

By Cathleen McKay

The Early Bird

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — admin @ 1:56 am

“I want to get Dad a present,” said Alex, “but I do not have any money.”
“I got Dad this new fishing hat,” said his brother Jason. “You can sign my card.”
Alex said, “Thanks, but I want to give Dad a present myself.”
“Tell Dad you will go fishing with him,” said Mom. “I got rum a new fishing rod, and he will want to try it out.”
“I like to go fishing too,” said Alex, “but I want to get Dad a real present.”
Alex went to bed. He curled up under his blanket, thinking about a present for Dad. He heard a light rain falling on the leaves of the tree outside his window. The sound helped him to fall asleep.
Alex woke up early in the morning. He looked out the window. The rain had stopped. Alex got an idea.
He dumped pencils and pens out of the old coffee can on his desk. He put stickers all over the can for decoration.
Mom looked in. “You are up early.”
Alex just smiled. He went outside and looked around the garden. “Yes! My idea is a good one,” he said.
When breakfast was ready, Mom and Jason put their presents for Dad on me table. Dad asked, “Where is Alex?”
“I saw him 10 minutes ago,” said Mom.
“He is not in his room now,” said Jason. He started to eat breakfast.
“I’ll call him,” said Dad.
Just then Alex burst through the kitchen door.
“You are full of mud,” said Mom. “Take off those shoes.”
Alex slipped out of his shoes and ran over to Dad. “Is It time to open your presents?” he asked.
“Yes,” said Dad. “We were just waiting for you.”
Dad opened the presents. “A new fishing rod,” he said, “and a fishing hat. These are what I wanted.”
“Happy Father’s Day,” said Alex, as he handed Dad the can covered with stickers.
“What is this?” asked Dad.
He looked into the can and then laughed. “Worms! What a surprise. Worms for bait.”
Alex grinned. “Last night’s rain brought them up to the top of the soil. When I went outside, there were worms wriggling all over the ground.” He wiped his muddy hands on his shirt. “I put the biggest, fattest worms I could find in this can.”
“Thank you,” said Dad.
“Can we go fishing?” asked Alex.
Dad looked at him. “First you have to wash your hands and eat breakfast.
Alex washed and ate his breakfast.
Dad put on the hat and picked up the fishing rod. He held up the can of worms and said, “I have everything I need. I’m ready.”
Alex jumped quickly out of his chair.
“Now we can all go fishing,” he said.

By Carolyn Mott Ford

April 8, 2007

First post

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 10:09 am

Hi world!

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