Once a secret, always a secret?

When is a government secret no longer a secret? Generally, when it shows up at the National Archives, that's one pretty good clue.

Then again, maybe not. In a program that predates the secretive Bush administration, the nation's intelligence agencies have been taking thousands of declassified documents out of the archives, essentially making them secrets again.

Hadn't heard about that? That's because the program itself is a secret.

According to a story in The New York Times, the push to pull documents is a backlash -- stronger since 9/11 -- against a Clinton-era executive order that made it harder to keep secrets more than 25 years old.

So now about 30 government workers spend each day going over old archived papers in search of ones that should be made secrets again. So far, more than 55,000 pages have been hidden again from public view, at a cost in the millions of dollars, according to The Times. The purge would've remained a secret, but a historian stumbled across signs of your tax dollars at work.

Nobody wants sensitive material available to just anybody. But some documents were yanked not to protect state secrets, but to avoid embarrassment. Like the 1950 CIA assessment that the Chinese were unlikely to intervene in the Korean War, written two weeks before 300,000 Chinese troops did just that. Or the 1948 memo about using balloons to drop propaganda leaflets in Eastern Europe.

Both of those are gone from the archives. It's hard to know much more about the program, since officials there are generally forbidden from talking about it, or even who's involved. According to one expert quoted by The Times, the secrecy is coming from the intelligence agencies, rather than directly from the White House.

A CIA spokesman said that the agency is just double-checking, and fixing mistakes made in earlier releases. A spokesman for the Defense Intelligence Agency refused to even admit the Pentagon was involved.

Guess that's a secret.

EGYPT'S FATWA FOR 'RE-HYMENIZATION'

EGYPT'S FATWA FOR 'RE-HYMENIZATION'

Endorsing an operation to help Muslim women feign sexual innocence

Faking one's virginity hardly seems like something a religious leader would condone. But late last month, Egypt's grand mufti (the country's official Islamic spokesman) endorsed what's been dubbed the "re-hymenization fatwa" -- an edict that effectively allows Muslim women to feign sexual innocence through surgery that restores the hymen. Appearing on national television, the mufti counselled women who opt for the procedure to be discreet. "If God wants us to know everything about each other, he would have given us the ability to read each other's minds," he said. Other supporters of the fatwa have made some highly enlightened statements; one scholar at Cairo's esteemed Al Azhar University told an Egyptian newspaper: "Any man who is concerned about his prospective wife's hymen should first provide a proof that he himself is a virgin."

But is this seemingly feminist fatwa as progressive as it appears? The edict could be seen as silently sanctioning a system that denies women any measure of sexual self-determination. In some communities, women are forced to undergo "virginity testing" (in which a doctor checks the status of the hymen), and face a range of "honour crimes," the most extreme of which is murder, for bringing shame to their families by having premarital sex. What's more, the penal codes of many Muslim countries offer leniency to men who commit honour crimes against female family members. In the Palestinian territories, prosecutors will order posthumous virginity testing on women believed to be victims of honour killings; if a forensic doctor concludes that a victim was non-virginal, her killer could be eligible for a reduced sentence.

Muslim women's advocates like Nuzhat Jafri, who sits on the national board of the Canadian Council of Muslim Women, emphasize that Islam does not, in fact, require a bloodied sheet as proof of a woman's virginity; such rituals (which have also been practised by Jews in the Middle East and Europe) are cultural rather than religious. If anything, such customs have been rejected by Islamic scholars. "Lawyers through the centuries always resisted very strongly the idea that an intact hymen equals virginity," explains Lynda Clarke, an Islamicist in Concordia's religion department. Part of the rationale for this position is practical, a recognition of the fact that a ruptured hymen can result from many things. "However, I strongly suspect that the primary motivation of the jurists was to prevent sexual accusations against females along with the violence that involves," says Clarke.

Still, even if the ancient jurists and modern-day mufti have tried to protect women in a roundabout way, it may just be the most realistic one. Social workers in the Palestinian territories find themselves in this bind when women come to their offices asking to be referred to a doctor for hymenoplasty. "They feel very strongly that this is a problematic process perpetuating a view that women's sexuality should be controlled," explains Farida Deif, a researcher at Human Rights Watch. "But they really don't want to turn that woman away when she feels it's the only way to protect herself. Some of them do provide referrals, because they feel that women shouldn't be victims of violence, and victims shouldn't be agents of social change."

The Secret to Scruffy Sex Appeal

I don't want to let out the secret, but it's just hair I Scotch taped on to make myself look older. No. Actually, I haven't been clean-shaven in well over a year now. When I am, I look like I'm 11 years old. If I shaved and put black wire-rimmed glasses on, I'd look like Harry Potter. So, I'm sort of a fan of that rugged, scruffy look. I know I look like I don't care, but I really do. I use regular hair trimmers that I think I got at Wal-Mart. The only downside is doing a kissing scene. Marika Dominczyk, who played my girlfriend on Brothers & Sisters, looked like she was getting beaten in the face after a while. She got so red. That's the only downfall of having the scruff. In most of my encounters in real life, girls enjoy it. may shave for summer, but then people will be like, "Who the hell is that?" I'm pretty excited to shave eventually because I've sort of forgotten what my jaw looks like.

Only in merry olde England

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the young lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did the Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident"."

He won the case.

Baby Kangaroo

Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, ARE NOT:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6 Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, ARE NOT:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, ARE NOT:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

New Tricks

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks," Grandpa Gus said, staring at the keyboard of the new computer my mom had given him and Grandma for Christmas.
"You're not an old dog, Grandpa," I said. "And this isn't a trick. Besides, computers are simple once you know what you're doing."
"Simple?" Grandpa Gus said. "That must be why they give you an instruction manual the size of the phone book!"
"You don't have to know all that stuff to run a computer," I said. "Most of it is just for reference. So if you don't know how to do something, you can look it up."
"Well, I took a look at your manual and it might as well be written in Greek!" Grandpa Gus huffed.
"Then it should be easy for you, Grandpa," I said. "Since you can read Greek, and write it too! Your dad came from Athens. Remember?"
Grandpa Gus folded his arms in front of him. "And I should have stayed there and become a simple shepherd just like him, planted olive trees, and sat in the Mediterranean sun."
"Grandpa!" I laughed. "Your father was a train engineer, not a shepherd. And you were born right here in Ohio!"
Grandma stuck her head in from the kitchen where she was making lunch. "He's allergic to wool too. Some shepherd he'd make."
Grandpa Gus made a face, but Grandma ignored him. "And the only thing he ever planted was himself in front of the TV."
Grandpa Gus laughed. "So I don't have a green thumb. Is that a sin?"
"No," Grandma said, giving him a stern look. "Complaining to your granddaughter when she's only trying to help, is."
"Okay, okay," Grandpa Gus relented. He pointed to the computer's darkened monitor. "So how do you know so much about this stuff, smarty pants?"
I laughed. "We learned all about computers in school, Grandpa Gus," I said. "We even have a couple of computers in our classroom."
"So maybe I should go back to the fifth grade," he said, "instead of sitting here."
"Maybe you should just listen to your granddaughter," Grandma called from the kitchen.
"It's not hard, Grandpa," I said.
"It's not hard," Grandpa Gus said. "My thick old head is!"
"No, it's not!" I said. "You're the smartest man I know."
"Maybe you just don't know enough people."
"No!" I said. "Who taught me how to ride a bike? Hmm? Who taught me how to fish, how to build a treehouse, and how to dance The Twist?"
Grandpa Gus smiled. "Some guy with two left feet."
"And who taught me how to fly a kite?"
"Kites are different," Grandpa Gus said. "You don't have to re-boot a kite."
"No," I said. "You don't. But you taught me all those things, Grandpa Gus. And every one of them was hard when I first started."
"They weren't hard," Grandpa Gus said. "They were just new."
"That's right," I said. "They were just like new, like your computer."
Grandpa Gus looked at the blank computer screen for a moment, then lifted his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay. You win."
I switched on the computer. "When the screen was lit," I said, "Just click on START"
Grandpa Gus smiled again. "Maybe after this, smarty pants, you could teach your grandmother how to program the VCR!"

By J. T. Waite